I am writing this here because I'd like to remind myself everyday why I'm doing this what's my ideal goal is. One healthy and fit body and my mental health. Everything is connected to how you treat yourself. Days where I don't feel anything new word I learn for this is "Anthedonia" because I don't look for anything for future. Maybe because I don't want to anxious about my future or overthinking about my past. I want to do what I can do for myself. I have been in state of stagnant for years 10 years. Depression, anxiety, dissociative disorder what not. I lost the meaning of life. But I know that even though I don't find very emotional or able to express many things or unable to do much in life because I was taught about insticts. That was you get when you are with your parents. Parents aren't for only love or raising. They are meant to taught us lesson to fight battles that we are supposed to faught, getting betrayed, misunderstood, left alone, not being enough, not being good girl, or daughter. I felt nothing anymore. I know that one thing I don't want to live this life. They did what they did and I am not longer asking for to be understood or belived or whatever. But to move forward and live a life that I didn't have these people in them even if they're my blood related. I don't know if I want children but I don't want to see my child to look at me with thoes eyes where they fear or feel misunderstood.
When you take small steps even if they look invisible at this moment but they bare fruits of the result.
Even though you're in a position where nothing is going right atleast start take care of your health. "Trust me bro" but it's true, it helps with many things. Even if you can't afford diets or nutritionist (please don't do fasting or diet just watch videos or internet) your body is different from others. Eat what you can afford. If you can afford junk food seven days a week (Jungkook seven reference) you can afford vegitables and healthy food too. Eat everything because not everyday is same "I know" but eat in limits. Eat 3 meals, control the coffee and sugar intake. Not telling you cut out. We need everything what we don't need will come out next morning. Drink water yes. And sleep if you're working out or have busy life sleeping is important because you know or you can check Google or chat. So even if your life has no meaning currently just do workout, walk, jog or do chole tings videos. Keep doing it you'll reach your goal sooner or later. I really hope you all to live a good nad healthy life. ❤️