I want to share my journey here, so I'll add trigger warning too.
Ever since I was young I was pressured with aims and goals when I don't even know what I wanted to be, I'm still figuring out because everything is slowly becoming competition that I feel burn out. Also since imwas young I was bit timid because how my parents raised me, I was chubby and I got bullied because of my body even my mother would body shame me also my relatives, as my child self I didn't understand many things like life people because I thought everyone is good, they're doing this because they loved me.

Being verbally physically abused in the name of discipline and love I thought normal, I didn't have internet access until it's 2017 (I graduated from college) I was 21 years old.
Through my college life I was betrayed and fell into despair, even my parents betrayed me so my friends. Because of parents I lost various opportunities.. they were angry at me for not choosing what they wanted me to become.

I lost my twenties wandering in around aimlessly I feel worthless. My depressions was so worse that I hated myself seeing in mirror (I still don't because I will find flaws) I hate my face, I hate how I looked, not pretty nothing, no talente, failure like my father said, how I went from academically blessed and good girl to absolutely failure, I wanted to end my life but I was scared to end.

I just turned 30 and I'm still looking for an aim, purpose that wouldn't end me.. I quit my job last year because my seniors and boss were bullying me blaming me for not doing enough. I feel pressured because I keep disappointing myself and my parents, my relatives were pressuring me to get married as if I'm burden.

I started working out because it was too much for my mental health..since everyone's giving me ultimatum, as if I'm worth nothing but tossed around. Even though I lost inces told my mother happily but she wasn't happy, instead she gave lectures that I should eat on time (I was doing intermediate fasting) for the context here, she'd taunt me if I ate on time, she'd also taunt me for not eating on time, she'd taunt me for eating but extra, and not eating much. Ofcourse how much money my parents spend on my educations, at this point I hate food, I hate eating, I feel and see eating as burden. I can go a day or two without eating or one time only, because she'd curse me while cooking I feel sick.

I wanted to share my progress pictures but I'm ashamed of my body, my face, that I'm still stuck and procrastinating my other tasks and not doing anything productive at all. I'm not writing it for gaining sympathy but to hope that I can break the shackles and actually do something.