Well...even tho i have already put a triggered warring but i want to mention this again because this post will contain stuffs like mentioning of self harm, past abuse and sexual assault. So please please please be kind to yourself and don't read this if you are sensitive to those topics.

Okay...so basically i am having problems with my consistency due to my mental health. Now I don't think i qm depressed or anything like that but i do think that maybe in some way or other i am struggling. Cause somedays i am all good...and i can do whatever i want but on the other day...i just feel so hopeless and tired and drained. I have had a bad past. I have been r**** at the age of 9. And even tho i am currently 17, it's still affecting me in ways I don't want it to. The worst thing is i am currently preparing for a competitive exam and my family is strict so no rest is allowed. And i do try to push on...to keep going trust me that's what i ahve been doing for more than 1.5 years..but god this is so hard and i Keep crashing. Like just a few days ago things got so bad taht i isolated myself. I stopped going to coaching. I stopped getting out of my room. I stopped doing everything. I even Stopped doing a timed challenge i was doing and I know it would have affected my team. But i just couldn't stay anymore. I currently have no way of getting help... not as long as i clear this comipitive exam... because without that i am no one to my family. Like literally my family is saying we won't do anything about the r*** situation until you clear that exam. I don't know what to do qt this point. But again... this is just a phase for me...i mean i don't always feel this way..and i am sure i will be okay in a few days and will get in track...but the episodes i get. Its intense. It gets me screamed, crying, thrashing my legs around like a child. The ugre to self harm isn't intense...its rarely intense...but it stays in the back of my mind for days...weeks... months...until i act on it... And no matter how much different stuffs i try it doesn't work. I don't cut myself...that feels too plain...it used to work for me nit doesn't anymore. I burn myself with boiling water... just pour boiling water anywhere on my body and just say oh..it happened accidentally...i tried using the ice to calm this urge down but that doesn't work too...it works for a while but the urge to burn comes backs...i need to see it on my skin.. not just the redness...i need to see my skin peel..i want to create a internal bleeding and keep one thing in mond i don't want die. No. I wanna live...so bad


Honestly I know nothing here makes much sense...i know its all messy and cluttered. But i needed it out of my mind tho i am not even sure if it helped. Listen...it might sound too bad...its not..trust me...the urges are not that often...it comes after like months,the episode are not that intense everytime. i Don't want a solution from you, you listened...i am happy for just that.